It’s the biggest day in American Sports, but you’re not American and you don’t particularly like sports. But, if you do like drinking and yelling then there’s no excuse not to watch Superbowl 46. In preparation Jonny Paul has six phrases you can use to impress your friends, use after a few Budwiesers for best results.

“The Giants have to move Brady from the spot”

Tom Brady is very very good at football (being married to supermodel Giselle, he’s also quite good at life). He’s accurate, intelligent but more importantly does not turn the ball over. The Giants also will not be encouraged by the fact that Brady did not play particularly well last week as Brady DOES NOT DO back to back bad games. The only time the son of Zeus has ever looked human is when forced to run around and avoid pass rushers. The Giants defensive linemen are built to make this happen and force Brady to make plays with his legs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_wrlz3O2lg

“This is a rematch of a rematch of a rematch”

These two teams most famously met in Superbowl 42, but they have played twice this year already, in the preseason and in a thrilling week nine matchup. The Giants have won all three of these.

“GROOOOOOOOOOONKK!!!!!”

Yelling out the name of New England tight end is certain to get mad respect from everyone around. Not only is Rob Gronkowski an extremely important player to the New England offense but he’s also as mad as a meat axe, probably playing this week through massive ankle pain. Yell his name with gusto then crush a can on your head.

“Jason Pierre-Paul’s father has never seen him play”

Throw this gem of a line in there at a particularly peaceful moment (not appropriate after a fourth down conversion). Once you have everyone’s attention shed a single tear and deliver the knock-out blow. “Because he’s blind” men will be moved by your tale of manly love and women will see how sensitive and caring you are. But if I’m being perfectly honest, if there’s a girl watching it with you; she’s perfect and someone should have already married her.

“I hope Madonna doesn’t play too long”

Two years ago The Who made headlines because Indianapolis defensive lineman Dwight Freeney claimed that their elaborate stage show took so long to set up and pack down his knee seized up. If you’re a Giants fan, start yelling at her to get off the stage. If you’re a music fan, start yelling at her to get off the stage.

“That is why Eli is/isn’t elite”

Giants quarterback is on the precipice of becoming an elite quarterback (two Superbowl rings automatically shortlists you). Despite being a number one draft pick and playing extremely well this year, Eli has never got the credit he either does or does not deserve. If you want to be on team Eli follow it up with a forceful “He’s the top clutch quarterback in the game today!”. On team Brady? Go with a “He looks like a 14 year old girl”.

Alright, now you are ready to impress your friends and get raucously drunk while supporting a team you will forget about in the morning. Have a one night stand with American Football, the only thing you’ll catch is a 24yd touchdown pass.

Jonny Paul over and out.

Season Review, Superbowl Preview

After crying for 8 days, and rueing that Billy Cundiff listened to far too much Beyonce before the game, Jonny Paul is ready to look back on a fascinating NFL season and look ahead to the rematch of all rematches, Superbowl 46!

The 2011-12 NFL season began on as shakey ground as a professional sports season possibly can; with players, owners and coaches communicating not about press-coverages or man- to-man but through press conferences and mediators. However, the fact of the matter is that football makes too much money and is too important to American culture not to happen and thankfully this season has reminded us just why; delivering on all the promises of the season, but surprising us just when we think we know what is going to happen. So before I get on to naming my offensive and defensive MVPs I want to explore some of the storylines that made this season so compelling and engrossing.

1.       Offensive dominance.

As stated in my season preview WAAAY back in September the league is sliding more and more in favour of the offensive side of the ball. Rule changes as well as personnel emphasis had created a trend over the past few seasons which saw substantial increases in yardage and points league wide. In2012 this turns into a landslide with records -particularly passing- being set left right and centre. Rookie “Superman” Cam Newton threw for consecutive 400+ yard games, and set a record for the most yards in the first two games of the season (a record which Tom Brady took off him nearly 2 hours later). Both Drew Brees and Tom Brady broke Dan Marino’s single season passing record which had stood for 27 years, four of the top six single season passing yardage totals were set this year. Yardage totals for wide receivers this year looked like running  back totals, with the exception of Jacksonville’s Maurice Jones-Drew at 1606yds, five WRs got more yards than any running back. Not only this but the way teams air the ball out has changed, evidenced by massive yardage totals from two tight ends, Rob “The Gronk” Gronkowski (1327yds) and Jimmy “Glad I’m not Shane” Graham. All these stats posted without arguably the most prolific passer of the last decade Peyton Manning not going within 15 yards of Jeff Saturday’s ass, although I don’t know what he does in his alone time.

Despite this emphasis on the glamorous side of the ball, the old adage “Defence (almost) wins championships”, came true. Both in the AFC and NFC we saw defensively orientated teams make the championship game, and while the ground ‘n pound didn’t quite get  the Ravens or 49ers to the Superbowl it went a long way to prove that defences can still dictate not only pace and plays but also the outcome. In the new offense heavy landscape, red-zone and minimising scoring are the most important facets, both areas that the New England and New York often porous defences excelled (especially in the playoffs). Similar to the recent emphasis on batting in cricket, how the league deals with this offensive prominence will shape the sport from the micro level right up to affecting the game’s international and cultural impact.

2.       A tale of two quarterbacks.

2011-12 was definitely a season of two halves; the first 8 weeks were about the emergence of the next elite quarterback. We had all seen Aaron Rodgers light up defences in the 2011 playoffs and the season was supposed to favour established teams but none predicted just how sensational the Green Bay offense would be. Falling just one game short of perfection, they got there with a style I have never seen from a Green Bay team. Watching Rodgers play this year was a gift, both his leadership of the offense and his throws were understated but tight and at times breathtaking. From the few games I saw I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a quarterback both throw and leave the pocket with the zip that A-Rod does.

TEBOOOOOOOOW!!!!! Sorry, I’ve gone this long but cannot go any longer without mentioning our Lord, Saviour and the proud owner of the second half of the season; Tim Tebow (it is purely coincidence that he was mentioned 666 words into the article). The Florida product truly captured the imagination of the world in weeks 8 through 17 this year, by not only winning but by doing it in comprehensively ‘everyman’ fashion. To the untrained eye, Tebow is religious, all American, but abhorrently slow at throwing the football, to the trained eye he is exactly the same. He defied the odds by winning six games on the religious trot riding the broncos into the playoffs in a metaphorical canter. Not many sportsman can capture the imagination of the public like Tim Tebow did this year, but from Florida to Denver, and through the magic of Twitter, everyone in the country and around the world knew about Tebow-Time.

Offensive MVP Award: Peyton Manning, Many players put their hand up for this award this year. Aaron Rodgers is unlucky to miss out here and he’ll be extremely gutted that a blog with perhaps three readers has snubbed him for the honours. However, did any player this year prove themselves more ‘valuable’ to their team than Manning did this year? Without number 18 the Colts turned from a perennial playoff contender into the worst team in the league. Indianapolis need to start thinking about life after Peyton, as I personally don’t think we will ever see Manning face on an NFL field again.

Defensive MVP, Wade Philips: The fall of the Colts meant that the division was wide open, this facilitated the rise of the Houston Texans. Traditionally an offensive powerhouse -possessing the best running back/wide receiver combination in the league- Houston’s two most important off season acquisitions were cornerback Johnathan Joseph and the “big friendly giant” defensive coordinator, Wade Philips. Philips, after struggling as head coach in Dallas was able to organise and utilise Houston’s already talented front 7 and turn them into a top four defence in all categories. Houston were probably the most unlucky team this term, as injuries claimed their number one running back, wide receiver, pass rusher, and their number 1 and two quarterbacks at various stages this season. Watching the AFC championship game, one couldn’t help but feel that perhaps a healthy Houston Texans side would have been the best team on the pitch.

The 2011-12 NFL season again showed why football is an integral part of American culture, full of drama, intrigue and characters. The draft class this year looks to be particularly strong, with Stanford quarterback Andy Luck leading the way. Next year looks to be just as exciting.

That’s what’s in the ol’ onion bag this week, and I’m Jonny Smith with an I.